happinesstomorrow

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Keith Witmer

Can’t Sleep

I woke up at 2:30 this morning and have not been able to get back to sleep.  For the past 2 weeks I’ve been dogged by this unending depression.  I feel like my life is over, that there is nothing left, nowhere to go.  I’m too old, too stupid, too tired, too everything. Of course I know that’s not true.  In Brene Brown’s world it would be “never good enough” syndrome.   The bottom line is there is too much pain.   I know that this is the depression talking.  I always believed the pain would ease.  No one told me it would deepen, that it would always be with me.  It was 3 years ago and it was yesterday.

Every breath I take, every song I hear, every person I meet reminds me of Keith.  I’ve lost my grandmother, grandfather, and father, but nothing prepared me for losing my son.   There is always hope, family and friends who care…but can you hear or see that when you have this depression screaming in your ear?  It’s the little things…How many kids do you have?  You lie and say one a daughter…how can you go there?  Your life becomes a lie.  How are you doing?  Fine  (F***ed Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional).

Addiction destroyed Keith’s life and addiction destroyed our life, and yet we must go on.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

I live somewhere between Chapter II and III, I keep falling in the same hole, and it takes me forever to get out, all I can do for now is to pray:

Lord, Jesus Christ have mercy on me.  The Orthodox Jesus Prayer.

My hope and prayer is by opening this wound, examining it, and sharing it, with God’s mercy and grace I will find a place to heal.  As a friend of Keith’s recently said:  “It is the examined life that is worth living and there is something that is worthwhile every day you live it…if you take the time to notice it”.  Peace!

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2 Comments

  1. I am so sorry for all you are going through. A friend of mine has been going through the same thing – she lost her son 3 years ago in Iraq. Through all of her tears she shines as one of the most beautiful people I know.

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